My Superhero Powers

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Last month, I got a text from Mars that said, “They are stopping urban door-to-door mail delivery. OMG! How do you do that?”

Yes, I have superpowers. My superhero name is … (insert drum roll) … The Discontinued Woman!!

Kinda like Wonder Woman, only a whole let less fulfilling.

Every time I find something I love — a brand, a style, a color, a pattern, whatever — it gets discontinued.

I used to think it was just a product of living more than x number of years, but I began to realize some people get to keep their favorites. When we first married, Mars didn’t believe it, but he’s come to realize it’s true. Now he calls me The Discontinued Woman.

It’s pretty much guaranteed. I find the perfect lipstick shade, the perfect women’s blazer, the perfect pair of ballet flats … whatever … and soon after, it’s discontinued. My Pfaltzgraff pattern was discontinued, as was my favorite Jo Malone scent. So were my wedding china, crystal stemware, iced tea glasses, and silverware patterns.

Heck, the only reason the iPhone wasn’t discontinued is because I didn’t buy it for a year after it came out. You are welcome, Mr. Cook. Email me for the address to which you may send the check.

The iPhone hasn’t been discontinued since because, as of 2010, there were 73,499,999 other users whose combined goodwill apparently managed to balance out my Discontinued Woman Jinx Factor.

So far.

I’m like a Reverse Bellwether. Someone really should do a scientific study on how exactly my superpower works.

And imagine — if you were to study the things I find and love? You could make a forture — or save a fortune by immediately dumping your stock in those companies.

Take for instance, incandescent bulbs. I hate fluorescent lighting. It’s too blue. It washes out my color. And maybe this is all in my head, but I think it makes me feel jittery. I much prefer the soft, yellow light that comes from incandescent bulbs.

Yep. You guessed it.

Canada is banning incandescent light bulbs. When Mars told me, I just shrugged and said, “Of course they are. It’s the Discontinued Woman thing.”

“I know!” he said. “You might not believe this, but that’s the first thing I thought of when I heard it.”

We haven’t had door-to-door mail delivery since we moved to Canada two and a half years ago. We had to drive nearly a mile to get our mail, and since our street addresses (which UPS uses) was not the same as our mailing address, letters and packages often got lost or misdirected.

Therefore, when we bought our new house in the city, I was delighted to see a mailbox on the wall next to the front door. It felt almost magical, to have mail arrive at my doorstep!

*sigh*

No more. In fact, not only will I have to drive to pick up my mail, Canada Post increased the cost of an individual stamp from sixty-three cents to a dollar.

When I got the text from Mars asking how I do it, I sent back, “I have powers, baby. Powerful powers.”

“Never will I doubt it again,” he said.

Then he added, “The buck per letter part is not you though. That’s just crazy.”

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3 Responses to “My Superhero Powers”

  1. Grandma Says:

    That’s a pretty big hike for the Canada post office! I wonder if our postage TO Canada (or overseas) was raised also. I think I bought a few “forever” stamps, but not sure about out-of-country.
    One of my worse discontinued was my favorite bra.

  2. noonlion Says:

    My mom and I are also Discontinued Women–sometimes I look around for the spies when I’m shopping!

  3. noonlion Says:

    Sue, posting as Noonlion because WordPress is being evil about logins right now…

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