Warning: A Poem

I chatted last night with a friend about how I’m so damn darn close to finishing East of Jesus and sending it off (WOOT!).

I told her I am afraid when the book is published, everyone who knows me in real life will be horrified to learn that I am not, in fact, respectable. I’m a flaming liberal who drinks and swears (not very often), who eavesdrops on other people’s conversations, who has a pretty big shoulder chip toward controlling men, and who pokes fun at every sort of person, even ones I love dearly and respect.

Not very nice at all.

She said it just might feel like a lesbian coming out of the closet, never quite sure whether people will still love her when they get to know the real woman.

So in a spare moment between final edits, I wrote this:

Warning

(with apologies to Jenny Joseph)

When I am published I shall wear purple hair

With chunky necklaces that look gaudy and aren’t like me.

And I shall spend my time on daydreams and drinking

And late nights, and say I’ve no time for volunteering.

I shall sleep on the couch when I’m tired

And eat caviar at parties and wear skanky clothes

And talk too loud in public places

And make up for the respectability of my unpublished youth.

I shall go out in my pajamas to shovel snow

And answer the door without a bra

And learn to swear.

Authors can wear stained, baggy clothing and grow out roots

And drink Grand Marnier for breakfast

Or nothing but coffee for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and gossip and other people’s stories.

But now we must wear undergarments that keep the girls supported

And pay our PTA dues and not drink before five.

And set a good example for people who do not write.

We must attend the silent auctions and read the newsletters.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am published, and start to dye my hair purple.

Tags: controlling men, flaming liberal, jenny joseph