No Internet. Again. *sigh*

Remember how I happily kissed Hughesnet goodbye, once and for all, because I had solved our internet problem? I was wrong.

Oh, not about Hughesnet! Seriously … if you’re thinking about signing up for Hughesnet, email me first. I don’t know any Hughesnet customers who are happy about the service.

No, I was wrong when I thought I’d solved our internet dilemmas.

This morning I woke up to a notice from my cell phone company saying I had gone over my credit limit and my phone would be turned off if the bill wasn’t paid immediately.

This is critical stuff because it means I not only lose my phone (and ability to text, use the Postsecret app, obsessively check Facebook three hundred-seventy-five times a day, etc.), but I also lose access to the internet since I tether to the phone. And since Mars is driving the van to work every day (his truck isn’t reliable right now, and the car doesn’t handle well in snow), I don’t even have the option most days of driving in to use the wi-fi at the library.

OK, I’ll explain. Remember how I have no credit in Canada, even though my credit in the US is sterling? Well, it has several results. One is that I still don’t have a credit card — the bank won’t even give me a $500 secured card. You know, the kind where you give them $500 of your money, and they loan it back to you. Yes, I know. Yes, it’s crazy. Yes, it’s insulting and humiliating. I gnash my teeth and bite back tirades against this country every time I think about it (though I’m loving other things about Canada, so it’s not a relationship I’m willing to dump. Yet).

To make it worse, debit cards here can only be used in person, So if I want to buy something via the internet or over the phone, I either have to use a US card (and pay draconian foreign transaction fees) or use Mars’ card.

Yes, Mars has a card. Hey, he has a job, consequently he has credit. In fact, they just automatically doubled the credit limit on his card. The card that is building up his credit so quickly and well because … wait for it! … I’m faithfully paying it off in full every month. Yes, me. The valueless, statusless wife with no credit of her own.

So … my point here is that another result of not having credit is that I have a $200 credit limit with my cell phone company, which apparently I went over.

They texted me over the weekend to say I was within $60 of my credit limit, but I didn’t worry about it because 1) I knew I had just paid the bill in full, and 2) $60 is such an enormous chunk of $200 that I knew I couldn’t possibly bump over before they got my payment, especially since my entire charge last month was only $78.

Turns out I was wrong. Well, right and wrong. Apparently right after I paid last month’s bill, I hit my data usage limit. My data usage limit is five gb a month. If I go over it, I pay an exorbitant sum per mb. Telus is supposed to text me if I approach my data usage limit, but they didn’t (another long story, which I will spare you. You’re welcome).

So. Right after I paid the bill, I hit the data usage limit and started unknowingly racking up punishment charges.

Consequently, Monday I got a notice that I’d gone over my credit limit, and needed to pay my bill immediately to avoid losing service. I immediately logged onto my bank’s website and paid the bill ($230).

Then to avoid going over the data usage limit again, I went back to the Telus website to order a wi-fi hub that will give me internet access at home, separate from the phone. If you purchase the hub online, they waive the $35 installation fee.

But I couldn’t get the website to recognize my home address. We’ve got a funky, rural address that doesn’t actually identify the house where we live, just the box half a mile away where we get mail. And Telus’ online form couldn’t make any sense of it. I tried about five different things before I gave up and used the house address (which you can use to drive straight to our home), making a mental note to be sure and choose paperless billing since I can’t receive mail at that address.

Think of it like having a post office box. My mailing address is what I use to receive anything from the postal service, like a P. O. Box. My house address is what I’d give Fedex or UPS, who deliver directly to the house. The only difference is that I cannot receive mail at the house addy.

But I used it, just to get the hub ordered. I had to go through three or four different web pages (choose a device, choose a data plan, etc.), but eventually I got to the page where everything was entered, including Mars’ credit card number, and I pressed “Send Order.”

“I’m sorry.” That’s what the message said, but I knew they weren’t really sorry. “We don’t trust you with money. Would you rather purchase the wi-fi hub outright ($400) or have a $200 spending limit (and pay $50 for a machine we’d give you for free if you were only trustworthy)?”

*insert much cursing and gnashing of teeth*

I called Mars. We decided to go with the spending limit. I clicked that option — only to be sent all the way back to the first page. I started again, entering my house address again, choosing my hardware again, and choosing my data plan. Again. Then I entered Mars’ credit card.

It was declined. Why? Because my address didn’t match the billing address the credit card has on file. Well, duh, Sherlock! The credit card company has the mailing address, which your form will not allow me to use!

I started over. I rearranged and reconfigured the three different elements of my mailing address (box, site and route) until finally I got the form to accept it. I went through the process again … and I’d just chosen my data plan when I was rudely, abruptly thrust off the internet.

Yep. They unplugged my phone. Apparently the payment via the bank didn’t go through fast enough, so a couple of hours after being warned, they pulled my plug. So I am without Internet, without my cell phone, without texting … and without a car.

I believe this is how the pioneers to the Canadian prairies must have felt.

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