Even MORE Fun with Money!

O.M.G. This is getting SO ridiculous that even *I* can see the humor, even while it’s happening.

I told you this morning about learning my credit card had declined a payment. Well, I decided not to waste my time and energy trying to convince a “compliance officer” that I should be allowed to color outside the lines. After all, anyone who would take a job with the title of “compliance officer” is going to tell me to shut up, sit down, line up my toes with the yellow mark, and don’t move until he says, “Jump.”

I was pretty sure I had enough money in the checking account at the big bank to cover the payment, but I wasn’t certain because Quicken doesn’t support Apple anymore (very wisely since, yanno, nobody uses Macs). When my laptop died, and I replaced it, I had to find, install, and learn a different financial software.

After hours online, I learned there is a community of Quicken Refugees who’ve been forced to switch by a recent computer upgrade, and there isn’t an adequate replacement, but there’s this great little program that’s actually a budgeting software rather than accounting software, so it doesn’t do some quirky little tasks hard-core accountants like to do (like balancing accounts or keeping running totals), but it’s really great at budgeting, so it’s worth a little minor annoyance like not knowing how much money is …. Never mind.

The point is, I needed to hop online and check my balance. Then I could add my bank to Billpay on the credit union website, and “pay my bill,” that is, transfer funds to the bank.

Except … remember that crappy internet service?

Seriously, do NOT sign up for Hughesnet without talking to me. Honestly, you don’t need quote-unquote “high-speed” internet THAT badly, truly, you don’t. And you won’t have it anyway, no matter what the sales folks tell you. If you’re going to live with dialup speeds, you may as well pay dialup prices instead of paying big money to Hughesnet just for privilege of bending over. /rant.

Sorry! Where was I?

Oh, right. Crappy internet service.

Short version: I can’t download web pages. Not even simple ones, much less encrypted bank pages.

I sat in front of the computer screen today for one notable forty-five-minute period, waiting for a Wiki article to load (yeah, I got distracted when the bank pages wouldn’t load). It never did. I finally walked away, and more than an hour later, I came back to see that diabolical ball, still spinning away in space.

BTW, I’ve come to believe we’re being duped about the spinning ball. It’s not really there to show us the computer is working. Heck, it’s not even there to delude us into thinking something’s happening. No, it exists solely to hypnotize us, so we wake with a start forty-five minutes later, say “Wha … Who?? Wher…,” and then wander into the kitchen for a pickle-and-salami sandwich without ever remembering we were trying to load a webpage.

Remember that forty-eight hours I have to pay my bill? Yeah, well I lost the first two or three because I was under hypnosis.

The pickle-and-salami sandwich, however, was fantastic. They make a pickle here called a “Yum Yum,” which is a lot like a bread-and-butter pickle except b-and-b pickles never made me giggle. Under the stabilizing influence of Yum Yums, I realized I would never be able to check my account balance at home. I am, after all, suffering through Hughesnet Purgatory, probably because I intercepted some important piece of snail mail in a previous life, out of sheer meanness. Or curiosity.

I decided to go to the library because it has wi-fi that is delightfully civilized (that means, really, really fast).

I’m a little nervous about doing my banking on a public wireless network though. What if someone reads over my shoulder, or remote-logs into my computer and captures my keystrokes? But I figured it’s a reasonable risk. I just need to keep close tabs on my accounts for a while. Watch for suspicious activity.

No problem, right?

Yeah. No problem if you have real wireless. But if you’re with Hughesnet (Seriously! Talk to me! Friends don’t let friends sign up for Hughesnet) … yeah.

I’d have to go back to the library again tomorrow, just to see if somebody stole my keystrokes today, and then I’d have to go the next day to see if they stole them tomorrow, and … these tenses are giving me a headache.

Finally, I emailed my computer-wizard nephew, and he assured me that while hackers could get into my computer at the library, they probably wouldn’t bother since it’s much more efficient (hence a better business model) to steal thousands of passwords and accounts at once by breaking into the bank’s computer.

So I totted off to the library, and in one hour, I balanced all fourteen of our accounts, set up BillPay from the credit union to the bank, paid the bill transferred the money, paid three other bills while I was there, downloaded ten songs for Girly Girl, and wrote a blog post that involved uploading four or five photos.

I’d tell you how many photos for sure, but I can’t since I’m writing this at home after the kids went to bed, so I … wait for it! … have crappy internet.

In fact, I’m writing it in Word, and tomorrow, if you’re ever going to be blessed by this writing – the wittiest and most clever of my career – I’ll have to drive into the library, paste it into the blog and then strip out all the formatting.

So! You’ll just have to wait and see if I did …

Oh. Right. You’re reading it. You already know the answer.

But hey! I got the money transferred!

At least, I think I did. I won’t know for sure until I log onto the bank’s website and see it, and I can’t do that from home because …

*sigh.*

 Well, you know.

Tags: Hughesnet